Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Crap Crap Crappity Crap

Boo hiss la.  So that girl dumped him today.  A little part of me feels bad but omg I am happy about it.  It's so wrong but I can't help it.  I was mobile and he text me and after we said hi and stuff he was like will you get mad at me if I talk to you about the situation with the girl I am dating.  I was like No.  Then he said well actually you might like to hear this lol.  He said she dumped him on the phone.  I asked if he was ok.  He said he was mad because she got the last word with her ultimatum.  He hasn't told me what that was yet.  Idk if he will.  Whatev.  She is crazy.  He is a great guy.  I wish he liked me as much as I like him. Sigh.  His sister got married on Sunday.  I don't know if he took that girl or not.  I think not since he talked to me a lot while he was in NYC for the wedding.
Anyway the crappy part is, I've been trying to put him out of my mind by flirting with other guys and such.  I am supposed to go meet this guy that I sort of know tonight somewhere.  Okay I really don't know him at all.  I know who he is.  He knows who I am.  That's about it.  He graduated from here in 96.  He actually dated my cousin very briefly when she lived with me so he knows where I live.  Now I don't really want to because HE wants to talk to me when he gets home from work tonight and now I feel weird about meeting someone else since I like him a lot and he is single again...grrrrrrrr this kind of crap always happens to me!
Other news.  I may have a job soon.  I got called for an interview at Meijer in Gaylord last week.  It's a 3 interview process and I had all 3 interviews.  Now they are doing a background check and I should know in 2 weeks (from this past Friday) whether I have the job or not.  Having a job will be good.  It will be 3rd shift grocery again though probably.  It will also kind of suck since I will want to see Him again and won't be able to because I will have work obligations.   Booooooooooo please let me win the lottery soon!  Don't worry I am going to try with all my might not to get attached to him so much like I was before.  That pain sucked hardcore.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Life Goes On

Well I think I am as over it as I am going to get.  I still like him and still hope to see him again someday, but I am not hurting nowhere near as much and I'm not really that jealous anymore.  We still talk online often.  He hasn't text my phone in awhile which kind of sucks and he still hasn't flirted with me much like we used to.  Whenever I try, he doesn't respond, or he responds then changes the subject.  Anyway I don't have much to be jealous about. I'm an attractive person albeit overweight, smart, nice albeit over sensitive, etc.  One day I will like someone that likes me back.  Hopefully before I am 30.  He is going to be 35 this week.  Maybe I am too young for him.  I mean I have been with guys much older than he is, but I always knew those were never going to work.  There is something about Him that I just like.  He's nice, tall, cute, smart, a little crazy, a little strange, funny, talkative, hard working (a little too into his work though), likes cats, always asks about my son, likes to take vacations, likes chevy's, likes NASCAR, likes some of the same tv shows, and we both like to eat lol.  We are different though also.  He is very pro Union, which I am not against, but he lets that like be number one in his life.  He votes Democrat mostly I think.  He will never set foot in a walmart.  He goes out of his way to research everything he pays for to make sure it's Union made or operated or American made.  I seriously doubt he would support me wanting to be a stay at home mom, although I don't think most guys would support that anyway, it's just a dream I have that will never be realized.  Anyway I tend to vote more conservatively because I am anti abortion.  I do go to walmart occasionally although I really don't like that place.  I like buying American made also but I don't necessarily make it a priority in life.  I will only buy union made cars though.  He did instill that in me lol.  My Dad was UAW for 31 years though, so it wasn't too hard.  I don't know his religion either.  I don't think he is religious at all.  His father though is Jewish I believe.  Religious differences don't really bother me anyway.  As long as I am not going to end up dead because of someone's religion.
NMC sent me a bunch of paperwork to fill out before they will award any financial aid.  They want to know how it was possible to live off no income since I didn't file taxes this year.  Always something to get in the way of what I want to do.  I still don't know how this is going to work.  I applied for 3 jobs at the Meijer in TC yesterday. It would be nice if they called.  I am assuming my parents will watch Shane.  I think I will have to take night classes though for that to work.  If I get a job I will be doubly screwed, unless I take online classes.  I am hoping I will only be going Monday through Thursday and then they will only have to watch him on Wednesdays and Thursdays.  My parents don't like watching Shane much anymore since we live with them.  That makes it hard to try to date someone.  It's like I can only date them when Shane is at his Dads.
I am getting kind of worried something else may be going on between Him and I.  I am really hoping I will be proven wrong though soon.......
I'm still feeling depressed about stuff.  Letterboxing seems to have lost it's appeal to me.  Deep down I was hoping to meet someone who is into letterboxing to date.  But it seems women are the primary letterboxers, or families, or men that seem to be permanent bachelor types.  It would be nice to find someone that liked this hobby and would go with me but also had more interests in doing other things together.  Sure letterboxing by myself is okay or with Shane, and with my cousin it's fun too, but I am just so tired of being lonely.  I feel like I am meant to be lonely and that makes me unhappy.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Still Feeling Blah

I'm still very much hurt over this.  I have talked to him a few times online.  Last night he wasn't very talkative.......to me anyway.  The thing that is really bothering me is now that he told me he is seeing someone, whenever I am not talking to him, I just keep picturing him with someone else.  It sucks.  Or when I am talking to him and he isn't talking much, I take that to mean he is talking to someone else.  The really dumb part is it's not like him and I used to talk 24/7 or anything.  We only talked an hour or 2 a day sometimes not even that sometimes not at all.  I noticed things started changing between us a couple months ago, so I guess that is when he got interested in this other girl.  There was a thing involving the hotel we were supposed to stay at too.  We were originally supposed to stay somewhere else, but I think he used that hotel on this girl.  That makes me feel crappy.  I wrote him a long email the other day that pretty much made me sound psycho.  He didn't respond.  We talked about it sort of and he sort of confirmed some things I was suspicious about, which of course doesn't make me feel better.  I miss him.  I miss they way we used to talk.  I don't know what is more hurtful to me.  He is with someone else, which makes me feel hurt and jealous.  I like him and I am not supposed to like him.  He obviously never liked me.........well I think he did before but I doubt he would ever admit that, especially while he is seeing someone.  The thing that is also disturbing is the fact that they aren't a couple, they are just seeing each other.  There really isn't much difference in my book but I guess it makes it sound less serious.  That doesn't matter to me.  The fact that he is spending time with someone and probably sleeping with her makes me feel hurt.  I just wish I could go back and meet him in February or March like we were supposed to.  I think it would have been a lot more fun.  I don't think he was seeing anyone then so he would have enjoyed being with me more.  I also wish I could erase knowing about her from my mind and carry on with him like nothing is different.  He thinks I am crazy.  He didn't say this.  In fact he said I wasn't crazy, but he won't talk to me much or in the same way.  Another reason I think I am hurt is because he is seeing someone and I am not.  I have not been in a relationship since Brad left me.  That was almost 2 years ago.  I have had a fling in that time.  Definitely not serious.  Before I went to see my friend, I hadn't slept with anyone in over a year.  Now I seem I only want him and I can't have him.  I feel like I am destined to be lonely.  I hate that feeling.  It hurts so much.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to be with someone.  I feel like something is wrong with me that no one will ever like me.  I only want what I can't ever have.  I find myself contemplating who of my friends I could sleep with.  Just sex.  Just to try to get the whole situation with him out of my head.  I can't think of anyone. I don't think I could do that anyway.  I'm not that type of person.  I'm a sweet girl who is way too sensitive and whose life seems to be spinning out of control. I am really depressed about everything.  I just cry all the time.  I don't know how I am going to pretend to be happy and cheerful when I go get Shane today.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Damn it all. This hurts.

Well my suspicions were confirmed.  I finally just asked him if I said or did something wrong while I was there or if he just didn't like me like I was afraid of.  I said things have been different between us and you barely talk to me much anymore.  First he said he was really busy at work but then he said that he might as well tell me that he just started seeing someone (just started my ass) and that's why he hasn't been around much. He said he had a great time with me while I was there..in all that we did...yeah we did that.  I gather this is the real reason he didn't want that picture I took of him posted.  Too bad.  He can kiss my ass.  That's the only memory I get of him, it's sure as hell going in my photos.  He says he has only been dating her for a week and a half to two weeks.  Bullshit.  Those times he disappeared to make phone calls I can just bet who he was talking to. I wonder if he even went to work while I was there.  I am really upset in case you haven't noticed.  He said he still wants us to be friends and hopes that it's cool.  I replied with I am not going to lie, I am jealous and hurt.  I know there isn't a chance of us being in a relationship but I can't help liking you.  He said he understood.  I started not giving long answers and he was like should I not have told you?  I said I am crying.  I know it's dumb.  He said he was sorry and gave a sad face.  He said if it makes me feel any better, he is not good at dating and will probably screw it up in a few weeks.  Yeah that makes me feel awesome.  I really like him.  I am crushed.  I have liked him for the longest time.  After I met him I liked him more.  Once again, I am being punished for something.  My life will never stop sucking.  I want to be happy so desperately.  Now I feel like a whore.  I said I wanted to see him again but I guess we won't be taking any trips to NF anytime soon.  He said not soon but sometime maybe. WTF?  I can't say he broke my heart since I don't think I was in love with him and he wasn't my boyfriend, but it still hurts a lot.  I mean a lot.  I wish I knew what the fuck was wrong with me that I get so attached to guys then get so hurt.  I knew better then to get attached to him even without the worry of another girl.  He lives 900 miles away! Duh!  Anyway I can't stop crying.  I will probably be up all night.  Where's the damn ice cream.  Screw losing weight.  Screw everything.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Vacation time over

Connecticut was awesome. My drive to Detroit was fine.  My flight did get delayed for almost 3 hours due to storms and my bag had to get searched and I had to walk through the metal detector twice.  My friend knew it was delayed as I had been texting him all day long and he had the updates of the flight sent to his phone.  While I was at the airport in Detroit, I went to Hockeytown bar/restaurant. $13 for a rum and coke and chips n salsa! WTF?! I gate checked my carry on suitcase and got to board the plane first.  The flight was alright.  There was quite a bit of turbulence cause we had to fly through the storms.  Lots of screaming babies on the flight.  I was glad when we could turn on iPods!  Before landing in New York City, we flew over the Statue of Liberty and Brooklyn Bridge.  That was so cool!!  I got to baggage claim and he showed up a minute later.  He hugged me and carried my stuff.  We walked out of the airport and holy heat wave.  It was 90 something and it was 9 pm and the humidity was insane!  I used his phone to call my mom to confirm I was still alive since mine died.  All I could see of the drive to CT was trees everywhere after we left the city.  It was too dark to see much else.  We went to a diner before going to the hotel.  They gave an insane amount of food.  I ordered a chicken sandwich and they had 2 huge chicken breasts on it! No I didn't finish my dinner and he was really nice and paid for it.  After dinner, we went to CVS where he bought cookies and doritos.  At the hotel we watched TV and stuff....then went to sleep.

He had to work the next day but not until evening.  We slept in then he had to make some phone calls for his job.  I took a shower while he was in his car or wherever he went.  Then we went letterboxing! Yay!  He had never been letterboxing before and found it sort of interesting.  We found 1 box then went to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast even though it was like 1 pm.  We then went on this long walk to find series of boxes.  I found 4 of the 6.  I had flip flops on.  Not a good idea.  I got my foot caught in pickers and made a bloody mess.  After the hike, we went to his parents house to get some water.  It was still insanely hot and humid and it looked like it was going to downpour at any second.  I cleaned up my foot while there and he fed his cat, Radar.  It started raining hard but we left anyways.  We went and found one more box at a cemetery before he took me back to the hotel so he could go to work.  I didn't do much at the hotel.  I cleaned our room since we slept too late for housekeeping.  I read a little, watched tv, used the internet, and waited for him to come back.  He came back around 8:30.  We hung out for awhile.........then watched some tv and then went to Ruby Tuesday in Bridgeport I think.  I had a burger and a coke.  He had a girly non alcoholic drink and shrimp and pasta lol.  For dessert we shared a piece of NY Cheesecake. OMG YUMMMMMY.  He paid for dinner again.  We drove through all these towns on the way back to the hotel because we wanted to avoid road construction.  It was dark.  I saw most of CT in the dark lol.  We stayed up way too late watching King of the Hill episodes of all things haha.  We had to get up at 6:30 am so that was dumb.

We got up on time and left the hotel by 7.  He drove fast and sort of crazy but I guess that is just how he drives lol. Traffic was pretty insane already though.   He got me to the airport, dropped me off and gave me another hug and said to come back. I checked in to my flight at 7:55.  We made good time.  My flight was at 9:40.  Security went by easier this time except the belt on one of the xray machines broke so we had to wait while they moved all the bags to the other one.  I gate checked my bag again and the flight back to Detroit was fine.  There was like 50 Orthodox Jews on it though which was kind of odd but interesting.  My drive back to Flint was fine.

I went to Paula's parents house and we went letterboxing.  I tried to nap a little on the car ride.  I slept for a couple hours when we got home from letterboxing.  Then we went to a diner and then went to watch Eclipse on IMAX!  Omg awesome!  By far the best movie of the saga thus far.   It had some funny lines in it and lots of hot action.  Ahh Edward *swoon*.  When we got out of the movie, the sun was coming up!  We went back to her parents house and went right to sleep.  I woke up at about 9 something and left at 10 to drive straight to Johannesburg to pick up Shane.  Talk about being completely exhausted.  The home from vacation depression set in right away though.

My parents took Shane and I camping Friday through Monday and Daniel joined us Sunday night.  My air mattress got a hole in it.  That sucked.  There were several holes apparently because every time we patched one it still went flat.  Saturday we went garage saling and found an awesome one.  Shane got a tent, camping chair, sleeping bag, and a bug catching kit for $10.  Plus they had a cot!  Shane slept in that tent by himself.  The cot was nice.  We also went swimming in the pool for a bit.  Shane learned to swim by himself with his life jacket on.  The next day we climbed Castle Rock.  I found 2 letterboxes on it yay.  Daniel came up that night and we watched the fireworks from the campground.  We got to see Mackinaw City, St Ignace, and Mackinac Island's firework shows!  Super cool.  I slept outside that night as it was so hot.  At 4 am however it started raining and we moved into the tent.

The depression is still there.  I like my friend.  I think that's mostly what it's about.  I liked him before I went there.  I like him more now.  I was scared about meeting him because I didn't think he would like me once he met me.   I am afraid I am right.  I mean we did have fun but now he hasn't been as talkative to me and the tone of our conversations is different.  He already told me several months ago that there wasn't really a chance of being in a relationship because we live too far apart so we should just have fun when we met.  I agree.  I know it's not really possible for anything to come of him and I.  I can't move there, and he would be stupid to give up a great job to move here where there is no such thing as a job let alone a great job.  Although that is getting way ahead of anything.  Just sayin it wouldn't work.  It makes me sad to think about never seeing him again though.  I get the feeling he doesn't want to see me again.  Maybe he is just super busy with work or whatever.  I think other things.  I think he likes someone else.  I kind of get jealous thinking about him hanging out with other girls and that is just really dumb.  I had an amazing time and I should just be happy that I got to go there and meet him even if that means everything is different and he doesn't like me anymore =(.  We were still going to go to Niagara Falls sometime after summer is over when he can get time off, but I doubt that is going to happen now.  Okay now I am super sobbing.

But I do have some great news.  Rachel and Amy are both pregnant!  Yay!  They make me want to have a baby.  I don't think that is ever going to happen though :( Another thing..I have decided to go back to college.  Hopefully I can get everything in order before fall but definitely spring 11 if not.  I guess this sort of stemmed from being depressed.  I decided that the only way I wouldn't be depressed is if I had something to do and money to do more fun things more often.  I am going for Nursing since it's a job that is always needed and pays decent.  The nursing program itself sounds a little challenging to get in to, but I have to do  some of the general stuff first anyway, and I guess I could use a little bit of a challenge in my life.  Other good news, I haven't gone to ww in a long time and I haven't gained anything.  I haven't lost either, but I was concerned I had gained.  I am going back to ww Monday though.