Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Still Feeling Blah
I'm still very much hurt over this. I have talked to him a few times online. Last night he wasn't very talkative.......to me anyway. The thing that is really bothering me is now that he told me he is seeing someone, whenever I am not talking to him, I just keep picturing him with someone else. It sucks. Or when I am talking to him and he isn't talking much, I take that to mean he is talking to someone else. The really dumb part is it's not like him and I used to talk 24/7 or anything. We only talked an hour or 2 a day sometimes not even that sometimes not at all. I noticed things started changing between us a couple months ago, so I guess that is when he got interested in this other girl. There was a thing involving the hotel we were supposed to stay at too. We were originally supposed to stay somewhere else, but I think he used that hotel on this girl. That makes me feel crappy. I wrote him a long email the other day that pretty much made me sound psycho. He didn't respond. We talked about it sort of and he sort of confirmed some things I was suspicious about, which of course doesn't make me feel better. I miss him. I miss they way we used to talk. I don't know what is more hurtful to me. He is with someone else, which makes me feel hurt and jealous. I like him and I am not supposed to like him. He obviously never liked me.........well I think he did before but I doubt he would ever admit that, especially while he is seeing someone. The thing that is also disturbing is the fact that they aren't a couple, they are just seeing each other. There really isn't much difference in my book but I guess it makes it sound less serious. That doesn't matter to me. The fact that he is spending time with someone and probably sleeping with her makes me feel hurt. I just wish I could go back and meet him in February or March like we were supposed to. I think it would have been a lot more fun. I don't think he was seeing anyone then so he would have enjoyed being with me more. I also wish I could erase knowing about her from my mind and carry on with him like nothing is different. He thinks I am crazy. He didn't say this. In fact he said I wasn't crazy, but he won't talk to me much or in the same way. Another reason I think I am hurt is because he is seeing someone and I am not. I have not been in a relationship since Brad left me. That was almost 2 years ago. I have had a fling in that time. Definitely not serious. Before I went to see my friend, I hadn't slept with anyone in over a year. Now I seem I only want him and I can't have him. I feel like I am destined to be lonely. I hate that feeling. It hurts so much. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone. I feel like something is wrong with me that no one will ever like me. I only want what I can't ever have. I find myself contemplating who of my friends I could sleep with. Just sex. Just to try to get the whole situation with him out of my head. I can't think of anyone. I don't think I could do that anyway. I'm not that type of person. I'm a sweet girl who is way too sensitive and whose life seems to be spinning out of control. I am really depressed about everything. I just cry all the time. I don't know how I am going to pretend to be happy and cheerful when I go get Shane today.