Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Still Feeling Blah

I'm still very much hurt over this.  I have talked to him a few times online.  Last night he wasn't very me anyway.  The thing that is really bothering me is now that he told me he is seeing someone, whenever I am not talking to him, I just keep picturing him with someone else.  It sucks.  Or when I am talking to him and he isn't talking much, I take that to mean he is talking to someone else.  The really dumb part is it's not like him and I used to talk 24/7 or anything.  We only talked an hour or 2 a day sometimes not even that sometimes not at all.  I noticed things started changing between us a couple months ago, so I guess that is when he got interested in this other girl.  There was a thing involving the hotel we were supposed to stay at too.  We were originally supposed to stay somewhere else, but I think he used that hotel on this girl.  That makes me feel crappy.  I wrote him a long email the other day that pretty much made me sound psycho.  He didn't respond.  We talked about it sort of and he sort of confirmed some things I was suspicious about, which of course doesn't make me feel better.  I miss him.  I miss they way we used to talk.  I don't know what is more hurtful to me.  He is with someone else, which makes me feel hurt and jealous.  I like him and I am not supposed to like him.  He obviously never liked me.........well I think he did before but I doubt he would ever admit that, especially while he is seeing someone.  The thing that is also disturbing is the fact that they aren't a couple, they are just seeing each other.  There really isn't much difference in my book but I guess it makes it sound less serious.  That doesn't matter to me.  The fact that he is spending time with someone and probably sleeping with her makes me feel hurt.  I just wish I could go back and meet him in February or March like we were supposed to.  I think it would have been a lot more fun.  I don't think he was seeing anyone then so he would have enjoyed being with me more.  I also wish I could erase knowing about her from my mind and carry on with him like nothing is different.  He thinks I am crazy.  He didn't say this.  In fact he said I wasn't crazy, but he won't talk to me much or in the same way.  Another reason I think I am hurt is because he is seeing someone and I am not.  I have not been in a relationship since Brad left me.  That was almost 2 years ago.  I have had a fling in that time.  Definitely not serious.  Before I went to see my friend, I hadn't slept with anyone in over a year.  Now I seem I only want him and I can't have him.  I feel like I am destined to be lonely.  I hate that feeling.  It hurts so much.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to be with someone.  I feel like something is wrong with me that no one will ever like me.  I only want what I can't ever have.  I find myself contemplating who of my friends I could sleep with.  Just sex.  Just to try to get the whole situation with him out of my head.  I can't think of anyone. I don't think I could do that anyway.  I'm not that type of person.  I'm a sweet girl who is way too sensitive and whose life seems to be spinning out of control. I am really depressed about everything.  I just cry all the time.  I don't know how I am going to pretend to be happy and cheerful when I go get Shane today.

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